I am almost ashamed, but I have distanced and numbed enough now to slip back into the stony silence.
I set up part of my studio again today, and loaded software I'd been horing for a month.
I played a single file, and lost it.
Imagine me, icy cold Kadeth, wailing in joy shock grief agony... because I heard my guitar again.
Thats it.
I heard the sound of my flanged and phased guitar, of DarkStar's riffs, of my soul, spilling from the speakers.
I did not realize how much I missed my studio.
I did not realize how much of my life is gone.
I did not realize how much a non-entity I have become.
As I sit here and think of the precius thing I have given myself, the sound of my guitar synthesized by a computer program, played by keys on a keyboard, I also think of other things I want.
I appologise to my cold self for outing my secrets...
I want to be loved.
I don't care if I sleep cold and alone forever, but I do care about being cared for, sitting warm with someone who adores and trusts me.
Today I do not have that.
In my musical maddness I am lonely....
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ReplyDeleteI understand the need to withdraw. I have been trying and failing. I want to just retreat in my art, my favorite music and studies forget about how miserable and lonely I have been for recent years and give up the idea of human interactions because they hurt often too much.
ReplyDeleteYet I have enjoyed our interactions whenever we have them. I wish you well and if you ever want to come out of isolation again hopefully I also will still be found. Losing things of importance really fricking sucks, especially when you love those some things a whole lot but there no way make them return.