life death love honor...edure

"Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water. "

the wasteland yes, but also the prayre for the final hour, when the keys slip into the nuclear detonation device that triggers the blast that ends all...in "Swan Song"

I am dead.

I choose to maintain this distant numbness, I choose to keep myself locked away from that which is unsafe to even say out loud.

I live in a house of pain, fear and time going by like poisoned honey.

It is my choice. It is my fault. However you choose to look at it. Either way and word, choice and fault- it is no one but mines responsibility for where I am and what I have become.

Let us cage DarkStar. Let us beat him to death with words and rules of a world he does not belong in, and will never understand.

I endure.

Beneath the skin lies limp tendons electrified and hungry for the steel strings, the ice and black keys, the snarl of voice in the microphone a million times million heartbeats ecchoing away.

I can't breath sometimes.
I make a crappy slave, but there you are, that is what I seem to be becoming- a slave. I serve. I run to attend. I bow and appologise for each flaw like a well trained geisha in fear of exececution.

Yes, it's a lie. It's the outside face. The mask, the sheild required.

I must be quite an embarassment. Never getting 'it' right- whatever it is today, never doing the dutiful and delightedly over attached girly friend just so...


Wings unfurl. I shake my hair out. I have many secrets- just because there is no room to share them, no room to delight in my creations, my thinking, my songs to myself...

In my head, a world lives. It's not hard to put it down on paper. It's not hard to sing it, live it, feel it... draw it. As long as I do it alone and hide it, so that it causes no

upset

conflict

shock

I can tell, I am stretching in this emotional graveyard. The earth rumbles. My eyes open and I watch.